I look out at the world passing nose pressed to the glass like a lonely puppy. I see happy people ,sad people, strangers all of them. They could be my neighbors I would never know. I used to be outgoing, happy go lucky, friendly even. The world was an adventure waiting to happen. My parents kept me safe when I was young restrictions and rules that chaffed. I couldn't wait to join the world I saw passing me by.
The day came when I did go out on my own leaving my family behind in search of adventure and life. I had my adventures but I played it safe. Then it happened I was alone but it was a safe place. They never said why and I never knew who. The safe place turned into hell on earth. Did I reject them at some point in the past? Seem flirtatious? Was I just the only one around? At the end all I had were questions and pain. I knew better then to tell. I didn't know them but they knew me. How could I be safe ever again. I cleaned up and got back to work.
From then on I never said no. There was nothing legal I wouldn't do. There was always a voice in the back of my head saying playing it safe doesn't work just give in. I tried so hard to cope. Held it together for as long as I could. Friends and family knew something was off. I pushed some away and clung to others as my mind struggled to make sense of it all.
I ended up driving cross country. It paid well and kept me away from people. I never knew when the fear would come back. I had trouble sleeping. A sound or smell could leave me paralyzed by fear for hours. I kept ignoring it just pushing through but it got worse. I met a man and fell in love. All was good.... until a touch drove me to attack him. We talked he understood and he still loved me. But the fear took hold that he could be hurt someday.
Finally I sought help. Doctors call it PTSD and TBI and other acronyms and latin terms that don't matter.They prescribe medicine that leave me drugged and irritable. I go to a store and my paranoia leads to violence. I have a dog that helps me leave before I hurt anyone. I use a cane to deal with the crippling pain in my knee.
I find excuse not to visit family or friends. They are always well intentioned invitations but noone understands the effort involved in visiting. Its hard enough having even family in my home I spend days afterwards bedridden recuperating from the stress. To leave my safety net is worse. Just thinking about going out my front door and my pulse races I start sweating and I run back inside.
I think about going out alone just me and my dog. Then my mind supplies the details of what happens when I was alone. I take my meds and then I can't drive. I think maybe tomorrow. Yes tomorrow I will go outside the glass and meet a stranger walking by. Tomorrow I will go to the dog park and walk Siggi. Tommorrow I will try and go to the grocery store on my own. Tomorrow I will visit my parents. Tomorrow I will go to dinner with friends. But when tomorrow comes I think maybe tomorrow. Maybe someday. Maybe.....
